Is that light I see at the end of a dark tunnel?

Where were you a year ago?

It’s here. The big anniversary. That day when you realize… Oh, it’s been exactly once year since life was “normal”. I say “normal” because nothing is normal, change is the only constant, but you probably know what I mean.

A year ago, on March 10th, I had just been home a couple of days after a two week trip to Spain (more on that in previous blogs- so go catch up now if this your first visit here). The photo above was taken inside the dining room of the Airbnb apartment I shared with my roommate Robin during my trip. I loved sitting out on my little rooftop deck with a late breakfast just reading a book and listening to the neighborhood. But, I was home now and ready to finish one last week at my old desk job and dive into a new job as a Therapeutic Recreation Specialist.

This job move was almost as big a deal as the trip to Spain (again, see previous posts on why). This job was the culmination of a 2.5 year search for the perfect position at a care center and I had FOUND IT. They didn’t require me to have a specific degree. They gave me even more than I asked for in an hourly wage. I was going to get to be a manager. They understood that I’d need some flexibility with performances and rehearsal schedules. I was going to hire artists to come in and entertain our elders and help them have a life with quality and meaning, a life that involved art and community and fun. I kept my job previously not so much because I liked it but because if I was going to make a leap I wanted it to be the right one for me, and it was FINALLY HAPPENING.

On March 10th, 2020, as I was driving to finish that last week of work at my old job, a thought crossed my mind that I should check the news while letting my husband out of our shared car to get to his job. And there it was - The CDC was recommending that anyone who recently traveled from Spain should quarantine for 14 days. I instantly texted my boss and turned my car around to go back home. I then started to worry- I had just taught a dance class the night before. I pictured myself on the plane from Jerez to Sevilla and remembered that my seatmate was literally sneezing and coughing the whole hour ride in the air that felt like one long day. No one was wearing a mask. I remembered how still I sat during the plane ride, and how shallow I tried to keep my breath for the entire hour. I remember seeing the guy getting off the plane and taking the same path I was taking to get to my next flight and praying to any higher being out there that this man would not be on my next flight!

I remember emailing my new supervisor with this news about the CDC guidelines. This was not even something even on their radar yet, but they agreed that I should not start orientation until I was in the clear. I remember looking up a list of symptoms and printing the list and taping it to my wall next to a log where I wrote down my temperature twice a day for the next two weeks. Instead of starting my new job, I stayed on an extra week at my old job and worked from home, trying desperately to help staff on-call babysitters for families in California who had suddenly found themselves at home with their kids without a plan of how they were going to work and help care for their kids. I tried to sift through the hundreds of request being sent in for a babysitter and clicking the “decline” button, knowing we just wouldn’t be able to help the majority of them. When we could, it felt like a tiny miracle.

I did finally start my new job on March 25th, two days after the facility went on lockdown. Of course, by the time I made it in the building, all of the concerts that had been scheduled had been canceled. My job has never been the job I was hired for since I started. On top of this, I remember the last day I taught in person and having to tell the kids that their show would indeed NOT go on. So much disappointment to go around. My company, Flying Foot Forum, soon cancelled the rest of shows on our regional tour. My other company, Zorongo Flamenco, also cancelled their spring production at the Cowles Center for Dance. Kaleena Miller Dance quickly pivoted to filming our student showcase. So did my tap classes, quickly being pivoted to online. Everyone was so darn sad because our sense of control over our lives was wiped out so quickly.

A really really long year went by, and a lot of things happened. Now I’m here to reflect.

I wasn’t planning on this reflection. I haven’t felt much like writing this past year, because it hasn’t felt like there has been much to share. But a few things happened this week that have injected, dare I say, HOPE and some feeling that we’re going to be ok, into my brain. You’d think that would have been beaten out of my after all of the shaky ground I’ve stood on the past year at my new job in a senior facility where the rules changed constantly and not following could mean someone’s actual demise. I honestly thought that recovery would be slower. There is also a lot of talk about variants of COVID and what it could mean, and of course, the message continues to be “Stay vigilant! Don’t let your guard down!” But this week!

This week the CDC stated that those who have been vaccinated can hang out without masks or distancing. This week, an old friend reached out to talk about GIGGING again (be still my heart!). This week I learned that funding has been secured for a new project I’ve been imagining for over a year. This week, I met with other professionals in my field to talk about the lessons we’ve learned in one year that are going to help us move forward and be better at helping seniors find more meaning in their lives. This week, I imagined a day where work would say “Don’t worry about wearing your eye protection - a mask is enough.” (Honestly, I’d take even this one little change). I even booked a musician to play instrumental music inside of our facility.

Nothing is set in stone. It all could change. But that is the norm, right? Things are on the table now, because I am vaccinated. Wahoo! If you just thought “oh, dang, she just went all political on me” and are finding that you are feeling some emotions about my last sentence, take a deep breath and be calm. This has nothing to do with politics and everything to do with finally seeing the light at the end of a dark, dark tunnel. I am so grateful that I have gotten my vaccine so that I can breathe and live without fear of causing harm to myself or others. I am so grateful that this vaccine has breathed life into my workplace, and that people are gathering again, and that community is being built again, and that people are feeling hope again.

If you made it to the end of this post, great. Thanks for hanging in there. This year has been a doozy. Please take care of yourself and your loved ones if you haven’t had the beautiful opportunity to get the vaccine for yourself. I can’t say enough how lucky I feel to have had it myself. I can’t wait for you all out there to have this opportunity too.

I’m finally dreaming of travel again, so that I can look through a new window at the same old sky that we all share.