Facebook asked me what's on my mind today...
Facebook wants to know what's on my mind. I'll tell you what's on my mind- and this is all fairly simultaneous, so hang in there as I bounce around for a bit…
I haven't really left my house much since March 25th. I work in a nursing home, and I'm pretty terrified of catching COVID-19 and being asymptomatic and killing one or more of my patients. Things opening up make me upset because I’ve actually had to organize calls between dying patients and loved ones and I’ve had to listen to them say their goodbyes, and it makes me cry while wearing a surgical mask and a face shield, which makes everything really steamy and gross because it’s hard to wipe your nose when you’re wearing two layers of protection and you still gotta do your job and take care of everybody so I compose myself and move on to the next room after washing my hands and face and sanitizing my protective gear. Today I had a mini-panic attack at our neighborhood gathering where we made a plan to protect our block because people forgot to leave a 6 foot radius, and my mind is going to work this way for a very long time and it won’t be something I can just “turn off” when this COVID-19 bullshit is over.
There are people in my neighborhood who aren't from my neighborhood coming to simply take pictures of my neighborhood bar which was burned to a crisp two nights ago by - by who? Angry protesters? I doubt it. Probably people from out of town looking to cause trouble. All the locals know that in our bones. We’re preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.
I am an artist who's primary interests and talents lie in studying and performing dance forms that stem from oppressed bodies, people of color, displaced humans. I love these dances very much. I try to educate myself on their history, and recognize that I'm incredibly privileged because I have have been given opportunity upon opportunity upon opportunity upon opportunity to share my talents- and sometimes get paid to do so! And that I have profited because of my art- I might not be rich but I'm comfortable. And that I don't have to worry that what I look like will cause people to think twice about choosing me for these opportunities. It's not that I don't deserve what I have- it's just that I don't have to think about it too hard unless I choose to think about it. What a privilege. I can’t say that this thought is making me want to jump up and protest today because of point 1. and point 2. but I recognize that I don’t do enough to point to my privilege and recognize it.
My sister’s wedding is coming up in less than a week in North Dakota. I know it’s another universe there, like literally opposite land in my opinion. Driving from this universe that I live in, in the heart of Minneapolis, to attend a wedding in the middle of nowhere North Dakota, is just another surreal thing to add to my plate. Since the rioting has started, I have to consider so many things- where do we stay so that we aren’t a cause for concern for our families? Could we bring the virus to our loved ones in North Dakota? Where are my cats going to go? Should we even be leaving our house unprotected right now? What if things get worse while we’re away? What if our house burns down? Maybe it’s better to leave for a while? I know i’m going to encounter an environment where people will not wear masks and will not be thinking the same way that I am thinking right now. Best not to think about it too hard, because of course I love my family and want to be there, but lord, it’s complicated.
In the meantime, i have to remind myself that my husband and I should probably start packing- we are buying a house! We’ve got time, it’s not until July, so I tell my mind that there are enough balls to juggle in this moment and try not to pick up another ball because I’ll probably drop the others if I do. But, stress-packing certainly keeps me distracted, so I’ll probably pack some boxes tonight to distract myself.
Another thought flies in- who should I be checking on? Are my loved ones and friends safe right now? The rioting was bad last night in a neighborhood west of me and I’ll be meeting a friend to help clean up in the area. I know that my anxiety will be triggered because of thought 1. and 2. (too many strangers!!!) but I also know that pacing around in my house is also not healthy. I know i’ll also leave if I don’t feel safe.
This is the second time in my life where I’ve had to answer the question “How would feel if I lost all of my belongings and my safe haven?” The first was when I was living in a bad situation with a abusive partner. I actually had to flee to a women’s shelter, but was lucky enough that I had help from law enforcement (had to beg them for help for three days) to get most of my belongings out of my house (though the presence of law enforcement was because they wanted to protect HIS PROPERTY not help me to move). Six officers did help me break into my own house and I was certainly glad to not be alone while trying to move all of my personal belongings in less than 4 hours, but they also harassed me as I moved my belongings and didn’t lift a finger to help me. At the end of this particular relationship, I always had a go-bag ready and hidden with things I didn’t want to leave behind in case I needed to flee. I don’t talk about this a lot. But here I am again, having to pack a bag- just in case. And this time, law enforcement is the reason why I have to do this. If I had to choose one thing to bring with me? My cats of course, it’s always my cats. It’s the only reason I did not just drive away from my domestic abuse situation (stupid, maybe, but I couldn’t have lived with myself had I abandoned my cat). My cat carriers and my backpack with a few important items will be ready, just in case.
It’s a mess out there- please listen to each other and spare judgement because if there is one lesson I’ve learned the hard way in my life, it’s that you don’t know what a person is going through until you walk a mile in their shoes. I don’t always practice what I preach but I’ll try to listen to my own advice today. To those who have experienced trauma in the past, I see you and recognize that this is probably bringing things up for you and it can’t feel good. My husband and I will be home tonight with our neighbors keeping watch. I’ll be drinking calming teas and I just took a hot bath (though I’m leaving the water in the tub… just in case we need that water for some reason?). Then I’ll be on my porch watching the street until I go to sleep.
be safe, be kind.